B - Be gentle with yourself when you come to a speed bumb in your road called "life". This is the universes way to force you to slow down and look & listen for the truth & life's lesson in what has been placed in your path.
C - Challenge yourself to be the best that you can be. I have personally found investigating myself to be very helpful to discover my hidden desires. I have also taken classes, volunteered my time, taken walks, re-engaged in my art, discovered places that brought healing and peace, and overall strived to be the best I could in each of those situations.
D - Devout personal time to yourself & nurture the child in you. I heard this once before, and did not quite understand that meaning despite the fact I know the literal meaning. Now I do. You may not quite understand at this moment, but through healing and support, you will discover how to nurture that child.
E - Endure all obstacles placed in your path. Many individuals, especially abusers, will continue to try to keep kicking you while you are down until you finally "give-up". With endurance, you will prevail and gain inner strength along the way.
F - Forgive yourself and those who inflicted pain and hurt on you. Forgiveness can have a profound affect on the healing process and inner peace. Release any guilt, worthlessness, nonacceptance, and feelings of living up to the rules of society. You are human. You are worthy and forgiveness is the beginning. Begin with "I forgive myself/(other) for _________. I release and turn over to God any and all controls, and I have trust and faith in this process."
G - Gain clarity, endurance, and perspective as you will gain what you need to prevail.
H - Heal all wounds - Your mind, body, & spirit. Traditional methods typically work with treatment. Healing and identifying where and when those seeds were planted is key as that is where the roots begin. Healing all aspects is key to full recovery.
I - Investigate the various modalities that can aid in your healing process. Outside traditional medicine and counseling, other practices I have used and personally experienced the benefits of Theda Healing, Reiki, Yuen Energetics, Meditation, Spiritual Guidance and Coaching.
J - Join a support group - know you are not alone, and help keep you grounded with your feet firmly planted.
K - Know you are not alone, and that you do have people who love and care for you.
L - Laugh every day and laughter has been used for centuries to aid in the healing process and enhance in your overall well-being.
M - Meditate every day to bring forth calm, clarity, inner strength, & peace. This ancient practice can help you to shift those negative self destructive thoughts, feelings, & somatic imprints left behind by trauma - whether from abuse, violence, accident, or war. Meditation has also been scientifically proven to reduce stress which is quite common with survivors.
N - "No one has the power to control my life". Know that abuse is about control - not love. Not even you can control your life. Turn it over to the universe as the universe will provide. This does not mean you give up on what you are searching and working towards what you want. We all have free will. Control and free will are two separate things. The universe works in mysterious ways by placing certain people in our lives, events, & lessons.
O - Offer vibrations that will equal your own personal vibrational attractions. Remember is you are feeling unloved and unworthy, you will attract more of that. Through patience, time, understanding and healing, you will begin with what you do want. Not what you don't want. "I don't want someone to abuse me anymore". The universe does not recognize the word not, and therefore you attract more abuse. Instead try "I want a person who will love and respect me on all vibrational levels of my being". See what happens.
P - Pass no judgments on yourself, others, or events. This is a breading ground for illness and despair. End that cycle of judgment. Without judgments, you will move into a vibration of self-acceptance, love, and self-discovery.
Q - Quiet your mind and clear out all the "clutter" and distractions. Everything has energy, and much of it we consciously don't feel, see or hear. Have you ever turned you tv on during the day and at night at the same volume, but the tv seems louder during the day? Your body can only digest so much and it naturally turns out much of the sounds. Why is this important? It's important, because this is a simple example of how much un-natural vibrational energy affects our minds and bodies. By quieting your mind, you take all that "clutter" and "file" it away. Imagine a room that a storm just past through. You approach the doorway. What would be your first reaction? Oh my, where do I begin? If that is so, that is what our mind is like when "cluttered". Just as you would begin with one thing at a time to clean the room and reorganize it, your mind needs that same attention.
R - Rise above all fears and obstacles. Many of what is said here will help with the ability to do this. Trust in yourself and have faith in the healing process. This is not an overnight miracle. Remember, a baby does not learn to walk overnight. Right now you are that baby learning to walk again.
S - Stand up strong, head up high, and speak your truth. This is not always easy when you have spent years of degradation and abuse. However, it is important you stand with yourself in integrity and honesty. Trust in your inner voice and listen to what it has to say as from there the truth will be spoken.
T - Trust your instincts - ALWAYS. Have you ever told yourself "I wish I listened to my gut"? I think we all have said something like that to an extent. Remember your instinct will never fail you. Just take a deep breath, clear your mind, and trust!
U - Understand that the fear is worse than the abuse as without fear, the abuser has not control. To me, this statement came to fruition after 10+ years of asking myself "why" and searching desperately for the life lessons in all that I went through.
V - Visit your inner child for a while. Nurture and love that child. Go for a picnic with that child or whip up your favorite recipe. Do whatever you think that child would love to do. Remember, you would do this for your own children, why not your inner child.
W - When there appears to be no end, no rock bottom, no light at the end of the tunnel, hope sets in, and miracles do happen. Remember it is always darkest before it becomes dawn. I remind myself of that statement every time I feel a dark challenge moving in my direction.
X - X-ercise your rights under the law to protect yourself and your family. Don't rely on others to do it for you. Do your research and learn about your rights and what you can do, so you move with knowledge and preparation.
Y - You are worthy of being loved. Remember the true meaning of love. Love is patient and kind. Love is respect for your own individuality. Love is NOT control or abuse. Love does not try to manipulate your feelings. Love is peace. Love is free.
Z - Zest up your life. Try something new. Learn to dance ballroom or take a cooking class. Travel to a place you have always wanted to go to. Do it Do it Do it. Don't let anyone tell you, you can't. You deserve to be happy!!!
This blog and my others come from years as a survivor of abuse. I do not call myself a victim anymore. Moving from victim to survivor is quite important as a part of healing.
It took me years to recognize and answer these statement:
- "Where did it all go wrong"
- "Why is God punishing me"
- "I must have deserved this, and committed some foul act for this to happen to me"
- "Why me"
- "Where did the abuse begin and why didn't I see it"
- "I must be all that he says I am, or I would not be going through all this" (court)
- "What is my life lesson in all this so I can heal it an move forward"
Do any of these sound familiar?
I am thankful for all those who passed in my life over the past 5years. One of the light bulb moments I had was when I read this statement "People come into your life for a reason, a moment, a day, a season, or a lifetime" Soon after, I began to recognize the new faces in my life and their roles. It seemed surreal at the time, but knew at that moment in time, it was meant to be.
The next leap I had was when a friend of mine forwarded an email to me when I was questioning my parenting due to what others said despite what I knew to be true. It said "Children learn what they see, so be what you want them to be" . I went into my computer to do a scrapbooking page. I took a picture of my children, put a flowered frame and added those words. I printed them up as 4 x 6 prints and hung them all over my house - my bathroom, my kitchen, my car, etc.
I began to see that this was a stepping stone process.
Did things get better or worse? Far worse for me and due to situations, I can not discuss at this time.
I still met some amazing people along my path and healers. Some I did not want to hear the truth as it was so painful to hear. One was this; "You may have lost your children as when they were with you, you could not heal they way you needed to. This was the universes way to force you to care for yourself and when the time is right, your children will return to you even though they are in a worse situation now then when they were with you. That is their life's path and lessons and you can not control that or protect them from that." At the time, I was devastated as couldn't imagine the universe would put my children in harms way.
Now I see - years later. I worked on healing the self. Discovering the roots to those seeds I planted that allowed these challenges in my life and heal them. I have volunteered my time to helping other victims heal through my work professionally. I have become certified in healing modalities.
The lessons I am learning in all that I am going through are these in order of discovery:
- Fear - I realized that my fear manifested itself to exactly what I feared the most down the almost the very day. The more I thought I was working to "prevent" certain acts, the more the fear took over and became reality.
- Listen - This was a hard one for me and still learning as we spend so much time begging for help and tuning on deaf ears, it becomes hard to just sit back and listen. However, the listening I was told I needed to do, was more internal - "Listen - just stop and listen". When you go through the healing process, it becomes easier to do this, and is something that took me 10+ years to understand and get. Listen to your inner self - your gut - your guides - god.
- Finally, Trust - Funny, one of the people that has been so instrumental in my life for the past 5-6year even walked up to me last week at my church and said that to me. "Just trust" - trust in yourself, and what comes forth. I was on the platform for the first time at my church and was quite nervous. Not sure why as it is a small congregation, and I have been in front of crowds with as many as 10,000+ people in large professional sports stadiums. I have heard her and other tell me this before, but this time was the first time I became one with it.
Your thoughts on this blog and personal stories are important to me. I learn from each and every one of you as I still believe we are all on a journey.
May you go in peace.
With much gratitude to all those who have impacted my life that has shaped me into the person i am today, I thank you!
©2009 Laura Bonetzky-Joseph. All Rights Reserved
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